I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
