proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I came so hard my ears popped.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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