90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
