No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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