That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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