there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
