You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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