'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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