Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So squirting runs in the family.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
