she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
