Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i believe in u and ur pee
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
