You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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