if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Bring me that man meat
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
