In the future we'll all be gay
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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