She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
