I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
