Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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