I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
