I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I deserve this hangover.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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