apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
