Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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