Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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