Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize