hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
