Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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