"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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