thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
