So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
