Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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