Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
