so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
