The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
"it" just moved
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Randomize
