I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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