You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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