How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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