This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
