please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
