I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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