I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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