I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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