I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
