oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
