On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
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