dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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