I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
