she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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