I CAN MOONWALK!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
