The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
