Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
