how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
