I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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