Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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